I've been busy it seems... with what you might wonder... I might too...
Havn't really let my mind process my own growth of late...
It's like I've turned 30 and I'm not really sure I feel 30.
No I'm actually sure I dont because I dont feel like I've lived enough for 30.
Im an unusual person I think. I'm a perpetually happy person. Why? I dunno.
I profess I don't like it when people tell me they think I should be with someone, and that they think its a loss for me not to be with someone.
Must I find a mate to not be pitied in the world's eyes?
Why? Why do I not really feel the urgency that others do to want to be with someone? To find a life partner. I'm 30 yrs old. I'm a liberal conservative. I'm a virgin by choice, but I was also divorced at 19. I fell in love for the first time in college [after the divorce] which resulted in a relationship that left me with a bad taste towards the opposite gender, to the extent that I've not felt the desire for companionship nor intimacy from the opposite gender. I'm not gay and I'm not a prude either. I think its a complex that I have, about myself. I don't trust myself to make the right decision. Because of past grave misjudgments, I'm afraid that I will make another horrible decision in the relationship department and end up screwing myself over so bad that it may be better to have never loved at all. Because in retrospect, I'm incapable of saying, it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I feel like the last time I was in love, I was such a fool, that looking back at myself, I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for how I acted and reacted.
Maybe the reason I don't want to be in a relationship is because I don't feel capable of staying afloat and trusting anyone with my heart. Maybe I feel the need to do more in life first, but even in that respect I seem to be chickening out on my dreams. Why do I not follow through? Why do I not see my dreams come true? Why do I not give it my all if there's nothing else standing in the way?
Why am I always my own problem? My own worst enemy?
In my minds eye, I see myself in nyc, in a circle of artists or musicians. Creating. That is happiness to me. I feel like I could encounter a like soul in that environment. In my minds eye, my mate would be someone creative and beautiful inside. A creative mind is someone I can respect and acknowledge. I would be in awe of.
I want to fall in love again. But I can't fall for just looks.
My prayer for myself in this coming year is for me to see things through.
To not let things lag. To finish what i start.
To focus on what I feel passionate about, and follow my heart.
But LOVE myself as well, stop beating myself up about the past.
Acknowledge that I am an intelligent woman who can accomplish anything I put my mind to. That I am an amazing woman whom my future husband WILL cherish. Because I'm worth it. Cliche as it sounds, its important to believe it. Cuz if I dont, then who will?
Then maybe I will be able to open myself up to new relationships... in turn giving myself some self respect, treating my body better, projecting a better version of myself then I have for the past five to seven years. Life is too short.
I feel like I'm so wise when it comes to others problems, but I tend to not try to help myself out of my own problems. As if they're not important. Why do I do that? I'm frustrated with myself.
Thanks for bearing with me. Needed to get this off my chest.
I hope we all can love ourselves more in the new year and learn to love again as well.
